Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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