you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
