spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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