So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
