Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
