the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
