It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
