finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
