When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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