I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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