i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
