So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
