Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
