Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
