I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
