hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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