i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
