I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
