Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
