I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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