John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
