I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
