I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
