I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
