every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
