4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
