I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
