Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
