I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
