I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
