It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
