is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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