I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
