In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
