we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
