Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
