Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And then he peed in my hair
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