You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
