if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
