he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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