At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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