Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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