I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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