I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
