I can't breathe out the right side of my face
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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