Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
