kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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