two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
These tits shall not be calmed
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
