if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
