Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
